What comes to your mind when you are missing someone?
The one who can't be reached anymore.
For me, it will be the moment with him/her/them.
2015. My beloved grandma passed away.
After knowing that she really leave me, I realized something that really hurts me. I love her.
I regret all things I have now.
I wanna show her that I can graduate from college. I wanna give her my very first salary from part time job I do. I wanna buy her favourite pudding and ice cream. She loves those.
I wanna tell her that I got my first full-time job. I wanna see her smile, her reaction. I wanna listen to her advices for me to face this cruel world. I wanna know that she is worried about me coming home at 10 p.m. I wanna hear that she wants something. I wanna hear that she want me to buy her something and I am able to purchase it.
I want her and the moment with her.
Then, I know those things are just the past moment that buried deeply in my mind. I miss it.
I love you, grandma.
2018. My lovely housemaid passed away.
She was sick like my grandma. She is younger than her. I miss her, too.
She was at my house even before I was born till when I was around 20 y.o.
I miss her angry face. But, I also have something to ask. I wanna ask whether she hate me or not. I wanna give her my first salary too. I want her cooking. I want her delicious chicken soup.
I miss all of you, Bi.
2018. My lively soul has died.
I miss my child soul that sincerely love someone, happily receive a gift, cheerfully play with my friends. I miss but don't want to coming back. Especially my senior high school life.
I wanna back at the time when I don't understand the hate in human, the social status, beauty, and those temporary possesivenes, pride in this earth.
I realized that I couldn't feel the sincere feeling in my heart. My heart is hurt but I don't know what should I do. I smile, not my heart. I listen, not my heart. I care, not my heart. I hate, all things. that's my heart. I hate myself. I hate my family that complain about all things.
I wanna go somewhere just for forever. I wannabe angry to all people. I hate all things happened in my life. I become furious about simple thing.
I calm my self down. I start better life. Then, I hate being alive. I hate morning, the task, the atmosphere, neighbor, neighboorhood, just all things.
Till I feel so exhausted living in this hateful soul and body.
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