October is Coming

I'm going to be older in several days, a week specifically, and I wanna dump lots of thoughts I have in mind,.. and heart.

So, I'm turning 27 this October, the same date as Lay EXO's birthday (fangirling mode on). I feel like I have learned lots but none at the same time. Every time I discover or meet someone new, I realize I haven't learned enough about life
and about myself. 

I was growing up without knowing that it's okay for me to show the variety of emotions I experienced just because there's no validation of me being sad or mad. Being grateful is nice but it should be done enough. I kept getting ignored by people around me for everything I said and told because it was me. Double standard. I had tried telling that I was in pain, I was uncomfortable maintaining relationship with some people, I wanted to go somewhere, I dreamed of having that kind of trip with the whole family, or just simply hung out with my friends.

The reason was the same because it was me. They said I have to be more grateful having this life and they would mad back at me If I seemed I can't handle every problem I face. 

Until one day, people around me starting to ask me to spare my time listening to them. It was really hard, at first, why? Because I have never received any suggestions, solution, or comfort. I didn't know how to take care of someone. I get used to suffer in silence. Such an Asian parenthood. The same pattern, I try to learn how to understand and listen wisely to someone who choose me to be their listener. How? By finding and trying a lot of escape because time doesn't heal. I have to, no, must do something to express unexpressed feelings. Right? So far, I can be so proud of me touching some people's heart by giving comfort and support. 

But, how about me? I kept everything inside. Logically, one day it would burst out and spread anywhere and that's true. I was bursting out while texting some friends a happy and comedy chat. I was laughing at my own self. Like, how? You were crying but showing you were laughing. You were fake, Rin. 

I realized about that. It's not healthy. I'm still having this struggle by not converting people as my home. It should be me instead as my own home. It's hard. I'm surviving. And I know I can be someone much stronger one day by realizing that I have a lot to be proud of and loving. Uye.

It takes time, spend years, but it will be worth it one day. There's no need to hurry, but I don't know whether my world finally can wait for me or not. I just hope that I can end this episode of the basic in understanding and loving myself before I meet my future significant other. 

Once I meet him, I want to be more sincere and show the truest color of me. I will get married and live with him for years and maybe have kids, right? I don't want to spend more years living the fake character to my own self and my surroundings.

So,
as turning older, I hope I can be wiser as well, can understand more about myself, loving and taking care myself, putting me as the first priority.
As turning 27 years old, I'm already accepting myself, even though lacking at some parts. That's okay. I'm making progress, that's enough. 

To end this random thoughts.
Hi, Rin, welcome to the new chapter of yourself.
You've been feeling a lot of things.
You've survived by understanding people around you from different perspectives.
Now, hug yourself tight. Say that you believe in yourself and kind people around you better.
Keep your chin up and smiling!

I hope that this is the last post talking about you as victims, maybe the next post can be any grateful or neutral things you have thought for a while.

Bye.

Qo
October 1st, 2023