COMADOT by Qorin Rahmaniyah

Hellow, Rin,  Have you fallen in love with yourself recently? You know, you know, it's not a must, a necessary instead. There are some people, new people, coming in that could be your new fresh problems, tho. However, I know you are being aware of those things, I know it. I see you are smiling more to yourself in front of the mirror, that used to be your enemy every single time you do your skincare routine, I smell those nice shampoo from your hair and your perfume everytime you are going out, even on your own. You don't like wearing the watch your dad bought it for you just because you don't wanna feel too much sweat on your skin. You do wear it now. Understanding yourself is a never ending saga you have in life, but you're preparing and learning how to do it. I wanna give you a big applause for that. Like the song from D.O. and Wonstein, "I'm gonna love you". I know you are preparing and fixing yourself from the inside.  That's a good good, keep goin

I'm going to be older in several days, a week specifically, and I wanna dump lots of thoughts I have in mind,.. and heart. So, I'm turning 27 this October, the same date as Lay EXO's birthday (fangirling mode on). I feel like I have learned lots but none at the same time. Every time I discover or meet someone new, I realize I haven't learned enough about life and about myself.  I was growing up without knowing that it's okay for me to show the variety of emotions I experienced just because there's no validation of me being sad or mad. Being grateful is nice but it should be done enough. I kept getting ignored by people around me for everything I said and told because it was me. Double standard. I had tried telling that I was in pain, I was uncomfortable maintaining relationship with some people, I wanted to go somewhere, I dreamed of having that kind of trip with the whole family, or just simply hung out with my friends. The reason was the same because it was me

As soon as I publish this, I hope that what I am writing here is sincerely from me. To end this year, I want to invite myself to tell more truths about myself that I have never realized before. The first thing is trying to accept that I am not the main lead on my stage. Not yet. It is because I still prioritize others in the very first place. I am accepting it now and will always be accepting it as if it is my fate. It feels like I have to work harder than what I am doing now as a cameo in my scene. It is so far from the finish line. I feel that way until I want to finish the life I have faster. The next thing is realizing that the sentence in my mind, "You are the only one who can give the satisfying love and care you deserve. So, do it harder and better.", is true. There is no one, including my own family, who can accept me inside out. There is no one, except my God, who can know and understand better the sincerity I have and give. It hurts, at first, when I realize my own

Hai, kamu! Kamu yang ada di kepalaku. Bisakah diam sejenak? Kamu terlalu berisik. Kamu berbicara terlalu banyak. Kamu mengggangguku yang berusaha berkonsentrasi dalam waktu yang lama. Bisakah kamu berhenti sejenak? Sesaat saja tidak memberianku banyak skenario yang akan terjadi hari ini. Sejenak. Hanya sejenak ku pinta untuk tidak menarik ke permukaan hal-hal yang kusesali. Sebentar saja, ya. Berhentilah membuatku mengingat perkataan orang-orang yang buruk dan menusuk hati. Kamu yang ada di kepalaku! Ku mohon untuk beristirahatlah sejenak. Karena diri masih berlatih untuk memenangkan hati. Menang untuk merasa bahwa dia tak apa untuk merasa. Dia ini sebagai inangmu sedang berjuang untuk menjadi baik-baik saja. Dia ini semakin hari sudah membenci dirinya, hatinya. Ku mohon, ya, ikuti perintahnya kali ini, agar kamu tidak masuk juga ke lingkaran yang akan dia benci. Kamu yang ada di kepalaku! Berusahalah untuk menjadi hal yang dapat dikontrol, diatur, agar masih ada hal yang diiliki dalam

Aku sungguh telah kehilangan jati diri. Kataku dalam hati. Namun, sisi lain diriku mengatakan suatu hal. Bukan. Kau bukan kehilangan, hanya saja sama sekali belum menemukan. Apakah sungguh aku belum menemukan bagaimana jati diriku? Atau aku hanya tidak menyadarinya dan hanya terus membenci diriku? Apa aku sungguh bisa menerima nantinya? Aku butuh mengetahui bagaimana jati diriku yang sebenar-benarnya. Sekarang juga. Sungguh, aku sudah merasa hilang arah dan kepercayaan. Tangisan sudah menjadi hal rutin, bukan hanya saat tengah malam di kala diri sangat lelah, juga saat siang hari mencoba menyelesaikan tanggung jawab. Sungguh, inginku mengetahuinya saat ini juga. Tanpa ada campur tangan orang lain, orang asing yang bahkan masih membutuhkan penjelasanku bagaimana diriku yang sebenarnya. Comadot. 08.07.20 11.54 p.m.

What comes to your mind when you are missing someone? The one who can't be reached anymore. For me, it will be the moment with him/her/them. 2015. My beloved grandma passed away. After knowing that she really leave me, I realized something that really hurts me. I love her. I regret all things I have now. I wanna show her that I can graduate from college. I wanna give her my very first salary from part time job I do. I wanna buy her favourite pudding and ice cream. She loves those. I wanna tell her that I got my first full-time job. I wanna see her smile, her reaction. I wanna listen to her advices for me to face this cruel world. I wanna know that she is worried about me coming home at 10 p.m. I wanna hear that she wants something. I wanna hear that she want me to buy her something and I am able to purchase it. I want her and the moment with her.  Then, I know those things are just the past moment that buried deeply in my mind. I miss it.  I love you, gran